How to be Happy About Being Single: The Truth About Single Life, Dating, and Finding Yourself
Being single can be one of the most freeing experiences of your life… and one of the loneliest.
Both can be true.
You can love your independence, enjoy having complete control over your time, focus on your career and hobbies, and genuinely like your life while still wanting a relationship, marriage, children, or someone to come home to.
That doesn’t make you ungrateful.
It makes you human.
In the first episode of All About Being Single (check it out and listen by clicking here http://singleandsocial.com/podcast, I talk about what it’s actually like to be single for a significant portion of your adult life, and why I believe being single can teach you things about yourself that are much harder to learn when you’re constantly building your life around another person.
If you’re single and looking for love, frustrated with dating, experiencing dating burnout, or simply trying to figure out how to be happy being single, this one’s for you.
You Can Be Happy Being Single and Still Want a Relationship
One of the biggest misconceptions about single life is that you have to choose.
Either:
“I love being single!”
or:
“I desperately want a relationship!”
Why can’t it be both?
You can be genuinely happy with your life and still wish you had a partner.
You can enjoy your freedom and still get lonely.
You can be proud of the person you’ve become and still wish you had someone to share your life with.
You can know that you’re not being punished for being single while occasionally wondering:
“Why am I still single?”
This is especially complicated when you’re dating in your 30s and watching friends get married, have children, buy homes together, and build families.
It’s easy to start wondering whether you’re falling behind.
You’re not.
Your life simply doesn’t look like theirs.
Why Being Single in Your 30s Can Feel So Different
Being single at 22 and being single at 32 aren’t necessarily the same experience.
As you get older, your social circles can change. Friends get married. Friends have children. People move. Careers become more demanding.
And suddenly, the casual social opportunities you had in your 20s aren’t as easy to find.
You might find yourself:
Going to events alone
Taking yourself to dinner
Going to the gym alone
Traveling alone
Paying the mortgage alone
Handling home projects alone
Making major life decisions alone
Dating through apps over and over again
Watching more and more friends pair off
And then someone who hasn’t been single in 15 years tells you:
“Just enjoy being single!”
It’s not that enjoying single life is bad advice.
It’s that being single is more complicated than that.
How to Be Happy Being Single Without Pretending You Don’t Want Love
I don’t think the answer is convincing yourself that you don’t want a relationship.
And I definitely don’t think the answer is pretending that you don’t need other people.
Humans need connection.
The goal isn’t to become so independent that you don’t want anyone.
The goal is to become so comfortable with yourself that you don’t choose the wrong person simply because being alone feels uncomfortable.
That’s a very different thing.
Being single gives you an opportunity to:
Learn what you actually want
Understand your values
Recognize your relationship patterns
Develop stronger boundaries
Build your confidence
Spend more time with friends
Develop hobbies
Focus on your career
Build a business
Travel
Create a home you love
Learn to enjoy your own company
And perhaps most importantly:
You get to learn who you are outside of a relationship.
Can You Really Know Yourself Without Being Single?
This was the question I asked at the very beginning of this first episode of my podcast:
Can you truly know yourself without being single for an extended amount of time during your adult life?
My answer?
For most people, probably not.
That’s not to say you can’t grow while you’re in a relationship.
Of course you can.
But relationships require energy.
You are navigating another person’s needs, emotions, schedule, family, friends, preferences, expectations, and future plans.
When you’re single, you have an unusual opportunity to ask:
What do I actually want?
Not:
“What does my partner want?”
Not:
“What works for both of us?”
Not:
“What will keep this relationship happy?”
What do I want?
That question can be incredibly revealing.
The Best Part of Being Single? You Get to Choose Yourself
One of the biggest benefits of being single is that you don’t have to settle for the wrong person simply because they’re available.
You get to choose yourself.
And that’s important because being in a relationship isn’t automatically better than being single.
My hierarchy looks more like this:
A healthy, fulfilling relationship
Being single and making the most of it
Being single and miserable
Being in a toxic relationship
Being in an abusive relationship
Being partnered isn’t the ultimate goal.
A good life is the goal.
A relationship can be part of that life (the preferred option for like 100% of people, no lie).
So can being single.
Dating Burnout Is Real
If you’ve been dating for years, you know how exhausting it can become.
You meet someone.
You get excited.
You start imagining the possibilities.
Maybe you make it through a few dates.
Maybe you make it to three months.
Maybe you think:
“Finally. This could actually be my person.”
And then it ends.
You start over.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Dating isn’t simply downloading an app and going on a few fun dates.
There’s emotional labor involved.
There’s disappointment.
There’s rejection.
There’s heartbreak.
There’s having to reject people yourself—which can also feel terrible.
There’s getting attached to potential.
There’s starting over.
And eventually, you can become exhausted from trying to find someone.
That doesn’t mean you’ve given up.
It means you’re human.
Stop Grieving the Potential of Someone
One of my biggest “Never Again” lessons from the episode is this:
Never again will I grieve the loss of a man I didn’t even like while dating him.
I’ve done it.
I’ve cried over people I didn’t actually want.
I’ve mourned relationships that, if I’m being completely honest, I should have ended myself.
I’ve grieved potential.
I’ve grieved the person I thought someone could become.
But potential isn’t a relationship.
And eventually, you have to look at someone for who they actually are. NOT who you hope they’ll become.
That’s where dating confidence starts to develop.
You begin trusting your own intuition.
You stop negotiating with red flags.
You stop convincing yourself that someone is almost right.
And you become much less willing to abandon yourself just to stay connected to another person.
You Can Do Everything Right and Still Be Single
This might be one of the hardest truths about dating:
You can do everything right and still not meet your person.
You can go to therapy.
You can work on yourself.
You can become emotionally healthier.
You can build an amazing career.
You can become confident.
You can have hobbies.
You can have friends.
You can know your boundaries.
You can become the best version of yourself.
And you can still be single.
Because love isn’t a reward system.
There is no equation that says:
Do enough personal growth → receive relationship.
That’s not how life works.
And while that can be incredibly frustrating, there’s also something freeing about it.
Your relationship status isn’t proof of your worth.
How to Meet Single People in Real Life
So what do you actually do if you’re single and looking for fun, connection, friendship, or potentially love?
You put yourself where other single people are.
It sounds obvious, but it’s surprisingly easy to spend months or years waiting for someone to appear while doing the same things you’ve always done.
If you want to meet someone new, you need opportunities to meet someone new.
That might mean:
Singles Social Mixers
A singles social mixer gives you an opportunity to meet multiple people in a relaxed environment without the pressure of a traditional date.
You aren’t interviewing someone for the position of “future spouse.”
You’re simply talking.
Laughing.
Meeting people.
Seeing who you click with.
Speed Dating Events
Speed dating events can be especially appealing if you’re tired of endless messaging.
You get to meet someone face-to-face and quickly determine whether there’s enough chemistry or curiosity for another conversation.
No three weeks of texting required.
Adventure Hunts for Singles
If sitting across from a stranger at a bar sounds terrible, try something active.
Adventure hunts for singles create a shared experience where conversation happens naturally.
You have something to talk about.
You have something to do.
And you get to see someone’s personality outside of a dating-app profile.
Singles Activity Parties
Games, challenges, group activities, themed events and other singles activity parties can make meeting new people feel much less intimidating.
The goal isn’t necessarily to leave with a relationship.
Sometimes the win is simply:
“I went somewhere new and met five people I wouldn’t have met otherwise.”
That’s progress.
What to Wear to a Singles Mixer
And yes, what you wear matters, but probably not for the reason you think.
If you’re wondering what to wear to a singles mixer, don’t dress like you’re trying to convince someone you’re attractive.
Dress like yourself on a really good day.
The best first date attire is something that makes you feel comfortable, confident and like the version of yourself you actually want people to meet.
Think:
An outfit you feel great moving around in
Something that reflects your personality
Clothes that make you feel attractive without feeling disguised
Shoes you can actually walk and socialize in
Something that makes you think, “Yeah, I look good.”
Because confidence-boosting dating outfits aren’t really about impressing everyone in the room.
They’re about helping you walk into the room differently.
You Don’t Have to Love Being Single Every Day
This might be my biggest takeaway.
You don’t have to convince yourself that being single is amazing every single day.
Some days you might love it.
Some days you might be lonely.
Some days you might feel incredibly independent.
Some days you might wish someone else would just take care of dinner.
Some days you’ll feel proud of the life you’ve built.
Other days you’ll wonder why you’re still doing everything alone (I’m literally alone at a Chili’s bar, and by alone I mean, on a Saturday night while no one else is at the bar, but the restaurant itself is full).
None of those feelings cancel the others out.
You don’t have to perform happiness just because you’re single.
You also don’t have to hate your single life simply because you want a relationship.
Both things can exist.
The Goal Isn’t to Become “Okay” With Being Alone
I actually think there’s a better goal.
The goal isn’t:
“I don’t need anyone.”
The goal is:
“I won’t abandon myself just because I want someone.”
That’s the difference.
You can want love.
You can want marriage.
You can want children.
You can want someone to come home to.
And you can still decide that being with the wrong person isn’t worth the price.
Because being single isn’t a waiting room.
It’s your actual life.
And while you’re here, you might as well live it.
Listen to the Full Episode
Want the full, unfiltered conversation about loneliness, dating burnout, self-discovery, relationships, and what it’s really like to spend years of your adult life single?
Listen to the latest episode of All About Being Single! http://allaboutbeingsingle.com
There’s more to the single life than “just enjoy it.”
Meet Other Singles in Real Life
If you’re tired of waiting for connection to happen accidentally, come create the opportunity.
Check out upcoming singles social mixers, speed dating events, adventure hunts for singles, singles activity parties and weekend dating events.
You don’t have to leave with a relationship.
You just have to show up.
See upcoming Single + Social events and get your ticket here: http://singleandsocial.com/events
Final Thought
You don’t know when you’ll meet your person.
Neither do I.
And that’s the frustrating part.
But we do know this:
You can spend your single years waiting for your life to begin.
Or you can actually live the life you’re in.
Meet people.
Go places.
Build friendships.
Take yourself out.
Try something new.
Work on yourself.
Have fun.
Date when you want to date.
Take a break when you need one.
And never confuse being single with being unwanted, behind or broken (yes, I know it’s easy to say and hard to do because I have thought I was unwanted soooooo many fucking times in my life bc I’ve been single for way too long).
There are more of us out here than you think.
Even if we’re late, we’re right on time.
Comments